I USE THE INTERNET!?

Dear Internet:

Saying things like M$, Crapple, Linsux, Winblows, Windoze, Red Fat, Fedwhora, and Ucuntu just make you seem like a big douche, and undermine whatever  valid point you have to make.

Sincerely,

Brandon

P.P.S. Dibs on the last three examples of bad names.

P.P.P. S. Yes, I know P.S. means post script. I decided to have a pre-post script.

P.P.P.P.S. And a post-pre-post-script. This is, of course, a post-post-pre-post script. I figured a pre-post-pre-post script would have been too confusing given its location and its information. And, let’s be honest, having a pre-post-pre-post script is just a stupid idea.

P.S. Sheeple, you’re in the same blasted boat! New rule: Anyone who uses the word sheeple should be instantly shorn with a broken vacuum tube.

This is to be the first in a rough guide to writing better headlines and descriptions for Digg submissions. Here we go!

First: Don’t start off with WTF. It adds nothing to the headline except fill space.

GM to import China-made vehicles by 2011 isn’t too bad of a headline on its own, except the story says they are planning to. It is not a certainty.

You could make a case that the three question marks were there to make it a possibility and not an absolute (Like Fox News does with things like “Obama a communist?”) but then you’re drawing attention to the fact that you’re using three question marks at the end of your headline. Why? For emphasis? The WTF in the beginning wasn’t enough?

And then it gets ugly. “I do not believe this. Do we have to sacrifice quality to save our auto industry? This is insane decision.”  We’ll ignore the missing article from in front of “insane,” typos happen to the best of us.

Thanks for the commentary, there, miketest. I was wondering what the submitter thought of the artic–wait. No, I don’t care. You wasted space and time by giving your opinion on the matter. On top of that, what does quality have to do with anything? Are the cars going to be labeled GM products? It doesn’t say that anywhere. And why does GM importing Chinese cars instantly mean quality issues? These imports represent a tiny fraction of GM’s sales.

From the article: [even selling 51,500 China-made cars a year, they] would only account for 1.6 percent of GM’s overall sales.

So there you go. Why not this for a description: General Motors plans on selling about 17,300 China-made vehicles in the U.S. in 2011. The number is expected to blossom to 51,500 units by the year 2014.

Yep, cut and pasted right from the story.

And much more useful than finding out the submitter thinks it is insane.

Submitted article here, digg submission here.

What class was Scarlett O’Hara’s leveling partner? A Rhett pally.

What’s Tony the Tiger’s favorite spell? Conflagrrrrrreat!

It seldom rains in Abu Dhabi. So seldom that I have developed this rule: If there’s a puddle on the ground, step around it, because something is either dripping from above or, worse and almost as often, something is seeping up from below.

I like puns. Bad puns. I’m one of those terrible people. I got it from my dad, so just…blame him. He calls me - intercontinentally, I might add - to crush my spirits with whatever wordplay he has thought of. And now, I do the same for you.

To start, I’m just going to post a block of bad Warcraft puns I’ve been sending ye olde wyfe when I’m bored at work.

As a mage prepared to launch a fireball at a rare dragon, a rogue unstealthed and killed it. Amidst the screaming of the irate flamethrower, the thief smiled and said, “I have been waiting since 4am for the kill. Sorry, but the early nerd gets the wyrm.”

Why did the group think the druid was going to steal the loot? Because he was shifty.

Why did the orcs follow their leader? Because they were en-Thralled.

What kind of character does Ben Affleck play? An Afflection warlock.

What race rows the best? Oarcs.

Threaten me all you want for those, but more are coming, and I sincerely doubt you want to make the day-long flight to stop me.

…to make glorious return.

Startin’ it off on the wrong foot, because then the only move to make next is the right one.